Without realising I shut You out of the warmness of my heart
Unaware of the fact that I now left you in a position where you stood knocking.
Knocking outside in the cold, in order to gain access into your own property
For my heart is Yours, it is Your very own possession.
I gradually became so distant from You my dear admirer
I all too quickly forgot that You far exceed my previous and current admirers.
They could never measure up to You.
Their love letters were NOTHING in comparison to the love BOOK You blessed me with.
Yes whilst they were busy struggling to draft love sentences,
some of which were not sincere
You already had a love story prepared for me.
And that book is the foundation of my life
It is a book of purity and authenticity, there is none like it.
But I chose to prostitute myself without an ounce of shame
I committed this un-dignifying act right in Your presence.
I cheated on You. I shared out parts of me that I promised were for You
MY TIME, MY ENERGY, MY EFFORT.
I became so quarrelsome, I was demanding, I made claims that it was Your right to give me all that my flesh desired.
I said “I must have him, because I want him”.
Indirectly but yet very clearly stating “You my admirer are simply not enough for me”.
But Your quiet gentle voice never ceased to echo deep within my heart.
The words “But I am enough for you”, always made my heart flutter.
Then I’d start guilt tripping again, because I’d realise how much I’d hurt You
But then I’d be back to my fleshly antics again.
I would hang onto fantasies and fairytales to quench my so called loneliness.
The hope of developing relationships with those I’d admired, very quickly turned into false hope.
This left me bruised and battered. It crushed my spirit. I was left feeling like a useless worn out punching bag.
All my efforts of trying to gain their attention seemed to be to no avail.
Making the effort to smile at them, and to purposely pass their way, seemed to be of no significance to them.
They never paid me much attention.
But little did I realise that the feelings of disappointments I had, were the exact feelings You had.
This is because I did to You, the exact thing I hated people doing to me… completely ignoring my existence.
I ignored you
I ignored your attention
I did to you, what I despised others doing to me.
But the thing which upset You most, was seeing me harm myself by not guarding my heart.
Seeing me hurt
Hurt You.
You wanted my attention But I was always too busy trying to gain someone else’s attention
I desired a man that could pick me up, and carry me in his strong arms, forgetting that You always lift me up when I fall down.
I wanted to be guaranteed the promise that my dream man would always remain faithful to me.
But You already had a better deal in store for me, the promise that You’d never leave me or forsake me.
Your promise of always remaining faithful, even when I’m unfaithful, never ceases to fail.
I wanted someone who was willing to die for me, to take my place so I could live, all because they loved me so much.
But You’ve already done that.
So my Lover and Admirer I want You to know that I am Yours, my heart belongs to You.
From the moment I invited You into my heart, You gained total and complete ownership over my body.
Sometimes I occasional throw myself a pity party over being single, but the fairytale/Disney dreams will always fade away, but my thoughts of You will always be constant.
They are thoughts that will never grow faint, but will be existent within my psyche as long as I live.
So Jesus my Lover and Admirer I want You to know that I LOVE YOU.
My whole being cannot express how much I love You, but I shall always remember that the love I have for You, is nothing in comparison to how much You love me.
Xxx
Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends
John 15:13.
